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Effects of Premature Ejaculation On The ManResearch into the effect of premature ejaculation (PE) on men in sexual relationships have demonstrated that men who cannot delay their ejaculation have lower satisfaction with sex, higher levels of stress, and greater interpersonal difficulty with their partners than men who can slow things down and come when they choose (more or less). They also have increased levels of stress, and a lower overall level of satisfaction and quality of life. Younger single men who are not in a relationship report that their tendency to come "too quickly" actually prevents them from seeking out new relationships because they fear the embarrassment that comes from sexual failure – at least, sexual failure as they define it. One fact that clearly makes this situation worse is that men tend to be reluctant to discuss PE, either with each other or with their partners, and in particular with casual sexual partners. Denial is a common coping strategy seen in men dealing with this condition, either showing up as a claim there is no effective treatment or that they have not got a problem. This definition of premature ejaculation may clarify who is and is not at risk. Since men are so highly motivated to perform, and to achieve goals (which in the context of a sexual relationship probably amounts to "satisfying" or "pleasuring" a woman), it's no wonder that PE is most common among men who have not learned how they can control their sexual arousal or delay lovemaking. Typically, men with PE do not discuss the condition with their partners, which suggests that their relationship may not be particularly intimate in the first place, possibly due to high levels of anxiety - which in themselves can cause a man to ejaculate quickly. Some aspects of psychological treatment are discussed here. In one study, it was demonstrated that the most important factor for the majority of men who define themselves having a fast ejaculation was the fact that their sexual self-confidence was considerably diminished. But here's the sad thing: this was much more important than their concern about the effect that coming quickly might have on their relationship. Having said that, the men did express considerable anxiety around performing adequately during sex, and also expressed embarrassment about coming so fast. And not being able to delay things. Sidebar: Amusing but strange video from "therapist in the wild" on how to delay ejaculation
In the same research, men with PE often described themselves as feeling
depressed because of it. Around three quarters the men who were interviewed in
this study said that their confidence generally, not just in a sexual encounter,
was affected by their tendency to ejaculate quickly.
The link
here is probably the fact that longer sex is generally seen as better
sex, a belief system from which a man who comes quickly can easily draw the
conclusion that he's no good at making love, or no good in general. Regrettably,
this may be an opinion shared by his partner.
Since men have such competitive streak, it's
highly likely that a man who sees himself as less powerful or effective during
sex than the "average" would suffer a loss of confidence and self-esteem.
In terms of relationships, the major issue for men
with a tendency to ejaculate quickly is their reluctance to establish new
relationships.
This seems to be a real problem because the only
way in which a man is going to establish a greater degree of sexual competence
is to develop his sexual skills within a loving relationship with a partner who
cares about him.
It's a tribute and testimony to the motivation and
willpower of many men who do have PE that despite the potential embarrassment
and shame that can develop, most men do eventually get into a sexual
relationship with a partner.
Men who were interviewed about having PE often
spoke of the difficulty of initiating relationships, because of their fear of
disappointing their partner or because of a fear of being ridiculed in bed.
Even once in a relationship, rapid ejaculation can
continue to affect a man's life. This often takes the form of concern about
inability to satisfy the female partner.
Check
out one female therapist's view of PE here.
Anxiety is usually a both a cause of rapid
ejaculation and a consequence of it: around 36% of men interviewed said that
they felt anxious, and regarded it as either a consequence or cause of their
rapid ejaculatory reflex.
Much less commonly mentioned in connection with
premature ejaculation are the feelings of embarrassment and depression that can
arise, but I suspect this is actually due to underreporting.
We know that men who have erectile dysfunction
show a strong correlation between their inability to become erect and their
levels of depression; it's quite likely that there is a similar connection for
PE.
What interested me most about the research was that
as many as 9 out of 10 men with premature ejaculation have tried some form of
treatment, the most common approach being the stop
start and squeeze technique, the distraction technique, and using
anesthetic creams.
This research does not give any indication of how
much effort men had put into curing themselves of PE (after all, the stop-start
technique does need a degree of dedication), but it is indicative of a high
level of concern about it.
It's not really a surprise to find that a condition
that strikes so hard at the root of a man's sexual function should have an
impact on his sexual self confidence, self-esteem, his sense of masculinity, and
his psychological well-being in general. Nonetheless it is a tragedy that this
should be so commonplace.
Research demonstrates there are two major themes
among men who cannot delay ejaculation. The first is
that men with PE know they have a tendency to ejaculate quickly, and that this
can lower their self-esteem; they also know this can have an impact on the
relationship they are in, or even on their ability to form a relationship.
You'll notice that the findings of these interviews
are actually closely linked to the implicit condition within the
DSM IV definition about the distress
experienced by men with PE.
As you know, in clinical trials of antidepressants
as a treatment, the primary measure of efficiency of treatment is an extended
intravaginal ejaculatory latency time, or IELT, but interviewing men who come
quicker than average demonstrates that there is actually a very sound reason why
concepts around quality of relationship, avoidance of relationship, impact on
current relationship, sense of well-being, self-esteem, sexual self-confidence
and sense masculinity might well be taken into account in some way in defining
PE.
Note, however, that there is no direct correlation
between the speed
with which a man ejaculates and the way in which he perceives and describes the
"severity" of his PE.
For example, some men who ejaculated before or just on the moment of penetration
described themselves as having "moderate" PE, while others said they had a
"severe" case of PE.
Also interestingly, the severity of PE -
either in reality or in self perception - does not predict who will seek
treatment. One of the reasons for this, perhaps, is that it's clearly an
embarrassing condition for which to seek help, and some men undoubtedly seek
treatment only because of their partners' wish that they
last longer in bed than because of their own
concerns.
Video -
How long should sex last? (Comes with a health warning... I'm not sure it
represents the views of the majority of women)
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