A Premature Ejaculation Cure You Can use At Home

Ok, so you're having a problem coming too quickly. You put your penis into her vagina, feel that delicious warmth and wetness, and before you've thrusted more than a few times, once again, you're ejaculating uncontrollably. That's why you're here, right? Well, the good news is that with some commitment, you can solve this issue quite easily and become a longer lasting lover.

And the other piece of good news is that you're not alone! Whatever your friends may tell you about their sexual performance (and despite what you've seen in porn movies), the simple fact is this: over three quarters of men ejaculate within two or three minutes of entering their partner's vagina.

This may be no comfort if you're a quick comer, especially if you're upset that you can't last longer in bed, but what it means is this: premature ejaculation is both normal and very common.

Now, you want to last longer, and that's a great objective. But have you thought how long would satisfy you? Would ten minutes of vaginal thrusting be good enough? Or would you want to go on for half an hour? Well, surprising as it may seem, the length of time for which you can thrust your penis in her vagina isn't the point. Why? Because when you learn to deal with premature ejaculation, you don't learn to go on for a particular length of time - you learn to ejaculate when you want to.

This may surprise you. As a quick comer, you're probably used to your orgasm approaching and your ejaculation following hard on its heels with a sense of having no control over the process. How could anyone, you may think, learn to ejaculate when they want to? And what may seem even more puzzling is working out how this is done! I mean, how do you decide to ejaculate? And what do you actually do to make it happen?

The answer is that ejaculation can be either a voluntary or an involuntary function. It's a bit like breathing. You don't have to think about your breathing for most of the time because it just carries on. But when you want to, you can bring it under your conscious control, and choose to breath more slowly or faster as you wish. This is what you can learn to do with your ejaculation - slow it down or speed it up, but above all, choose when you want to come.

Sometimes, of course, when you are very aroused - or when your partner is very aroused - you will find that your ejaculation tends to happen more quickly. (After all, there is nothing like making love to a very aroused woman to make a man spurt faster!) But the point of what we're going to do here is to make you feel in control - to leave you with an element of choice about when you come.

Well, you may be thinking, that's all very well, but why do men come so quickly anyway?

There are several reasons. The first is that we're male animals. As I said above, surveys show that three quarters of men ejaculate within two minutes of entering their partner's vagina. For young men in particular, four minutes is almost a lifetime of thrusting! But why? You might think it strange that rapid ejaculation is so common. After all, there are few things in life more pleasant than having your erect penis in a warm, moist vagina! But imagine how our ancestors lived. They wandered about in a harsh environment, probably at risk of being killed by hostile enemies. The shorter the time during which males were distracted by the act of sex, the better, because they were defenseless while they mated. The quicker they mounted the female, ejaculated and dismounted, the better. Sex wasn't for pleasure - it was for reproduction. So, in evolutionary terms, it would be much safer to make the act as brief as possible. And what's more, the less time males spent on sex, the more time would be available for protecting the females and babies or hunting. This must have been an effective strategy for preserving the species and producing babies, but it certainly didn't leave us with a great legacy as human males: the thrusting of a penis in a vagina was designed to produce a quick ejaculation. And all too often it still does!

The second reason is that we learn to ejaculate quickly as young men. Most boys discover masturbation in secret, and I think almost every young man would be horrified if his parents ever revealed that they knew he was masturbating - it just isn't talked about, even though every father in the world masturbated when he was a boy (and probably still does). So even though almost all teenage boys masturbate with great enthusiasm and frequency, we don't talk about it, and there's still a lot of shame attached to the act. And the shame means it's done quickly - under the bedclothes, in the bathroom, wherever: reaching orgasm isn't something that a boy learns to spin out and enjoy to the full. He never tries to keep himself on the edge of coming for as long as possible. Nor does he ever stop to savor the experience: the urgency is too great, and his quick orgasm is too rewarding anyway! All of this means he does not learn about the feelings in his body as he moves towards orgasm, especially the feelings that mean he is about to ejaculate. The result is that he has no sense of how to slow down and spin out the process. And so he never learns how to control his arousal and the speed with which he reaches orgasm.

And the third reason we may ejaculate quickly is that we're not confident lovers, confident in our sexuality, or confident with women. Anxiety is the enemy of self-control, so fears about our performance don't help us to be long lasting lovers. It's a fact that having the confidence to know you can keep going actually helps you keep going. The opposite seems to be true, too: if you're not confident of your ability to keep going, your nervousness increases your level of emotional and sexual arousal, and, before you know it, bang! you've ejaculated too soon again.

To put this in simple terms, getting a woman and having sex is an urge driven by every aspect of our masculine being. It's fundamental to our self-image as men, and it's something that we think about endlessly (as you know!). But often, when we get a partner, there's a sense of perhaps not quite being in command of the situation, a certain surprise, perhaps, that we are in a sexual relationship with a woman who wants us to make love to her; and if this is backed up by a sense of nervousness about not being up to the job, or not being fully sexually confident, or even at some very deep level of our male soul feeling afraid of women, or angry at women, then premature ejaculation is to be expected. But it can still be controlled.

I remember my first experience of sex very clearly. I ejaculated the moment I penetrated my girlfriend's vagina and felt the warmth of her body around my penis, and I continued doing this for many weeks after that. No-one would describe that as a satisfactory sexual experience, I'm sure. But then what would be satisfactory? Ten minutes spent thrusting before coming? Half an hour? An hour? I remember a friend telling me when we were in our late teens that he could actually choose when to let go and ejaculate. I found this absolutely astonishing: if he and his girlfriend wanted a "quickie", he said, he allowed himself to ejaculate almost at once, simply choosing not to make it last; but if they wanted prolonged intercourse, then he could thrust away for ages.

I found it difficult to believe this, because like most men my experience was about grimly hoping for the best and yet nearly always coming uncontrollably - not that it was ever unpleasant, of course, but it was certainly disappointing. So, like I said above, the important thing about premature ejaculation is not so much that a guy comes quickly, but that he has no control over when he comes. If you're a quick comer, what you need to learn is not to last longer but to be able to control your ejaculation and have choice over when you ejaculate.

For the female partner, quick ejaculation may be frustrating, especially if she thinks she might have an orgasm through intercourse if only her man could thrust for long enough! This may produce conflict, though couples may choose to deal with premature ejaculation by ensuring that the woman has one or more orgasms through oral sex or masturbation before her man enters her. This will mean that no matter how quickly he comes, they are both satisfied. And if the partners embrace and cuddle afterwards, they can still enjoy wonderful feelings of closeness and love. It's also important to remember that for some couples, premature ejaculation is not a problem - in which case it probably isn't "premature", it's fine! But a lot of couples want to be able to control their lovemaking, and both the man and the woman may be keen to see the man last longer.

Some things for you (and your partner) to understand about premature ejaculation

Sometimes a woman finds it hard to understand why a guy cannot control his orgasm. She may even suggest that it means her man doesn't love her! She may think he doesn't care, or that he's just being selfish. Even when she genuinely doesn't mind, and simply wants him to be happy by being able to enjoy vaginal thrusting for longer, he may interpret what she says as meaning she really didn't enjoy sex very much because he came too soon. And of course if a man feels badly about coming too soon, he may be angry with himself and lose the special connection with his partner that the couple had established during the early stages of their lovemaking. She may then feel rejected and hurt.

So, if any of this is happening to you or your partner, now's the time to talk about it, and to understand that it isn't anybody's fault, nor is it personal. Even though your sex life isn't what you'd like it to be, you can still have fun, laugh, and reach orgasm through masturbation or oral sex. And kissing, cuddling and holding each other are still fun and enjoyable things to do even if you spurt after two thrusts in her vagina! Share with each other how you feel about it. You, as the man, can tell her how it makes you feel, and she can explain how she sees it. Then, being open and honest with each other, you can go to work on the problem together - without resentment or blame!

And, by the way, many women are upset about their guy's premature ejaculation because they simply enjoy the sensation of having him inside her, and his coming quickly deprives her of this sensation. So, if your partner finds penetration rewarding, then you can try putting your erect penis into her vagina without moving or thrusting, and in this way enjoy being close for quite a long time. It really doesn't take that much effort to resist the temptation to thrust, and by hugging each other close as you do this, the woman may get great satisfaction and feel very loved. Obviously this idea can avoid the problem of you not being in her for very long before you shoot. Try it and see if it helps. But in the end you will probably want to become a longer lasting lover by using the exercises lower down this page!

By the way, it's normal for guys to come more quickly with one woman than another: usually a man comes more quickly with an aroused, passionate and exciting lover, because a woman's arousal is a real turn-on for him. And, as you probably know, a man can usually last much longer when his partner gives him oral sex. It's also very common for a man to ejaculate quicker if he's not having sex very often or if he's seeing his partner relatively infrequently.

If you're now scratching your head in bewilderment, and wondering how a man can possibly control when he comes, think of masturbation. You can almost certainly choose how quickly you ejaculate when you masturbate - or, at the very least, you'll have more control over how quickly you come. This website will show you how to gain enough control over your ejaculatory response while you're having sex to be able to ejaculate when you want - at least, for most of the time. To do this, it's helpful to understand the normal "cycle" of male sexual arousal. This has four parts to it: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. (I promise you that reading all this will be helpful in learning to control your ejaculation, so be patient! The methods you can use to control premature ejaculation come later. Pun intended!)

The road to orgasm begins with some stimulation which increases sexual arousal in your mind and body. In your mind, you begin to feel horny; in your body, you get an erection. In men there may also be an increase in muscle tension, flushing of the skin and erection of the nipples. Although you might not be aware of it, your testicles swell up, your scrotum tightens, and your penis begins to seep a lubricating fluid which is designed to lubricate the movement of the foreskin over the glans: this liquid is known as "pre-cum", and it can be an exciting sexual stimulant in its own right - certainly as exciting as the lubrication which a woman produces from her vagina when she is entering her phase of sexual excitement.

Assuming that your penis is engorged with blood, and your erection is hard and firm, or, if you are middle-aged or older, perhaps slightly less firm than it once was, you're well into the phase of sexual excitement. This can last for hours, although it is likely that a man who's excited but doesn't have an orgasm will lose his erection after a while. It's possible that a young man's arousal or excitement will become so intense that he spontaneously ejaculates.

The excitement phase of sexual arousal can be a rewarding experience even if it doesn't progress to orgasm, because your brain is producing endorphins, which are the body's own natural morphine-like pleasure drugs. What's more, an erection is pleasant in itself, since it puts pressure on the sensitive parts of the penis head. The longer the excitement phase goes on, the more intense your orgasm will be when you finally come. In fact it's worth sacrificing the quick pleasure of a rapid orgasm for the greater pleasure achieved when you come after an hour or two's erection and arousal. This is because the longer the excitement phase lasts, the greater the volume of seminal fluid produced by your prostate and other glands. When your ejaculation does occur, this greater volume of fluid will produce more intense and pleasurable contractions - as well as an impressive shower of ejaculate! My experience is that no matter how satisfying a quickly attained orgasm can be, an hour or two spent cuddling and kissing and enjoying foreplay will actually make things better for the man as well as the woman (who generally needs much more romantic foreplay to get to the same level of arousal as her man anyway) because as well as producing a much more intense orgasm, the volume of fluid ejaculated will be much greater.

The plateau phase is simply the name used to refer to the period while sexual arousal or excitement continues but before orgasm has happened. Assuming that sexual stimulation and arousal continues (or increases) so much as to lead to an orgasm and - intentionally or not - an ejaculation, there's a point just before a man ejaculates called "the point of ejaculatory inevitability": this is the moment when semen is moved from the seminal vesicles and prostate into the base of the penis ready to be ejaculated. You know this experience - it's the moment when you know for sure that you're going to come and nothing, but nothing, will stop it! If you are in control of your ejaculation, it's a glorious moment, during which time seems to stand still for an instant before the contractions of ejaculation shoot your semen out of your penis. If you're not in control it's likely to be a moment just long enough for you to mutter or groan or shout "Oh shit!" before you shoot your load - much to you and your partner's disappointment!

This is where there's a difference between premature ejaculators and those who can last longer: men with ejaculatory control can stay on the plateau phase longer, and they recognize sooner the feelings they get when they approach the moment of ejaculatory inevitability on the road to orgasm. This enables them to reduce their stimulation, lower their arousal, slow down the rate at which they approach orgasm and so stay on the pre-ejaculatory phase of their sexual response. In other words, they don't orgasm or ejaculate uncontrollably. This is illustrated on the graph below.


Sexual response cycle of a man with ejaculatory control	Sexual response cycle of the rapid ejaculator

Orgasm

The phase of the sexual cycle beyond the moment of ejaculatory inevitability is orgasm, which is usually accompanied by ejaculation. For the moment, we can think of these two things as part of the same process, so closely linked that they are more or less the same.

An orgasm cannot be stopped once it has started, because it's an involuntary process of muscular contraction. But a man can control how quickly he gets to his orgasm in a variety of ways. Most obviously, to speed up his coming, he can increase the pressure on his penis by making deeper or harder thrusts during intercourse or by more vigorous hand movements during masturbation. Another way to "get there faster" is to contract the internal muscles which run through from his pelvic bone to his penis, a movement which both speeds up orgasm and make it more intense. This is the basis of the so-called Kegel exercises for women, used when a woman has a weakness of bladder control. In men, learning to contract and therefore strengthen these very same muscles will result in much more intense orgasms and a much more powerful ejaculation.

Once the level of stimulation has reached a point where the final phase of sexual arousal is initiated, your body prepares itself for the great climax in all kinds of ways. Blood pressure goes up, your heart rate rises, your breathing becomes deeper and heavier, and you thrust deeply into your partner, so as to get your semen deep into her vagina. Some primitive reflex reactions may happen too - for example, you may clasp your partner tightly, so she can't get away as you ejaculate.

Immediately prior to the orgasm itself, seminal fluid builds up in the bulb of the prostate gland. This produces that familiar sense of impending ejaculation, which has been described as one of the finest moments of being a man. This is probably only true if it's under your control! Then, at the moment of orgasm, the testicles are drawn up close to the body, the urinary tract to the bladder closes so that semen has to find its way out of the body through the penis rather than being passed back into the bladder, and the series of muscular contractions which actually constitutes the orgasm takes place. These contractions occur in the muscles at the base of the penis, the muscles of the penis shaft, around the anal sphincter, the pubococcygeus muscle and the muscles of the rectum - they contract about eight times, maybe slightly more or less, at eight-tenths of a second intervals, and as they do so the seminal fluid containing sperm is expelled. These contractions may lead to semen shooting out or just dribbling, depending on the condition of the muscles, how long it is since you last ejaculated, and the volume of fluid which has accumulated during the earlier phases of your sexual arousal.

Orgasms, however, do vary. They aren't all earth-shattering events! There are many reasons why they aren't all as good as each other, of course. Perhaps one of the main reasons is that they do involve the whole body, and therefore simple things like levels of tiredness, fatigue, relaxation and stress will all have an impact on the intensity of the experience. Obviously, how aroused or randy you are feeling will also have an impact on your level of excitement and the intensity of the sensations during sex. One indicator of the intensity of a person's orgasm is the degree to which their facial muscles undergo contortions or the loudness of their involuntary cries at the moment they come.

The question is - how do you learn to develop control? How do you learn to move more slowly up the arousal side of the graph, and stay longer on the plateau before you shoot your load?

Well, you may have tried creams and lotions which claim to make you last longer - these often don't work, and since they contain an anesthetic, they have the unfortunate side effect of numbing your penis, and perhaps also your partner's vagina. There is little or no evidence that these creams work, and they certainly take away the glorious sensations of thrusting into your partner's vagina, especially if you are not wearing a condom.

You may have tried using a condom, a strategy which actually does work sometimes. However, some men actually find condoms more arousing and likely to make the problem worse. Don't ask me why! Maybe it's the association of the condom with the act of penetration that raises his adrenalin levels and makes him more likely to come quicker. What's worse, though, is that when a couple who are relying on a condom to slow him down change to, say, the pill as a method of birth control, the man may be back to square one.

Thinking about the most boring subject you can, or doing mental arithmetic, is often recommended as a distraction while you thrust. But guess what - this doesn't work either! For one thing it takes you away from the pleasure of the sex act and all its wonderful feelings. For another your partner may sense that you are no longer with her - that you have become a bit distanced from her. And third, it just doesn't work!

Some men try to keep their arousal down before they "get stuck in". But avoiding foreplay is a recipe for disaster. The idea that you can last longer if you don't get aroused before you put your penis in your partner is simply incorrect. You'll ejaculate just as quickly, and because you didn't spend any time on foreplay your partner will be even less sexually fulfilled than she would have been if you had, say, given her oral sex or spent time fondling and kissing before you entered her.

Don't try coming twice in succession - usually it's only a young man who can do this, and unfortunately he is likely to be just as quick the second time as the first. As you get older, you may find that you simply cannot come twice in a session of lovemaking, and the pressure that you put on yourself by trying to do so may well just make you more anxious and therefore contribute to the rapid ejaculation you're experiencing.

You may have noticed that you come more quickly in some sexual positions than others. This is not a matter of chance - it's all about how much stimulation your penis receives in various sexual positions and how deeply you thrust. So when you're learning to control your ejaculation, you can help by adopting the sexual positions that put less pressure on your penis and which restrict your thrusting movements somewhat.

The missionary position - the very basic position of sex - is not so good if you want to control your ejaculation and keep your level of arousal under control. This is because it's so easy to thrust - you're on top, she's underneath, which in itself is very stimulating, and the almost irresistible urge to thrust with your hips, pelvis, and even your whole body can send you over the top very quickly. The act of thrusting makes you ejaculate more quickly than if your penis is just inside your partner's vagina and she is moving on you. So - avoid the missionary and any other positions where you can thrust hard.

Rear entry is another very unhelpful one for the premature ejaculator. The sheer excitement of seeing your penis thrusting in and out of her vagina, the sight of her bottom, and the ability to thrust deeply into her as you hold her and feel her breasts is not going to help you slow down!

Side by side and woman on top are the best. They allow less movement for you, and prevent you thrusting as deeply. Your partner will still enjoy these positions - especially woman on top, which can feel very exciting and powerful for her. Side by side positions, reached by starting in the missionary and then rolling over onto your sides, is intimate and gentle, which can be very rewarding for your partner. These positions prevent you thrusting deep or hard, yet still allow you to enjoy the feelings of warmth and moistness of your partner's vagina. You can also play with her breasts and enjoy the connection between you while feeling much more in control of your ejaculation. All in all, side by side sex is highly recommended. But it won't solve the challenge you face on its own.

In the end, you are going to have to learn how to control your arousal and your ejaculation. Though this requires some commitment, it's not the kind of work that is difficult, unappealing or boring! In fact, it can be good for a couple who do these exercises together - it can bring you much closer, and you can experience new levels of intimacy. And if a woman is fulfilled by experiencing cuddles, closeness, and perhaps an orgasm through oral sex before you begin, she is likely to be helpful and supportive. As a man you may have to realize that this is not, for once, a problem you can solve on your own - after all, it's your partner's vagina where you prematurely ejaculate, and you need your partner's support, not to mention the use of her vagina, to learn how to control it. Communication and love (or at least mutual respect and a feeling you're going for the same end point) are important here.

If you are having difficulty getting an erection, you might like to review our website on erection problems before you deal with your premature ejaculation.

The way you can learn to control your ejaculation is described below as a couple might do it. But up to step 3 you can actually do this training on your own. It might even be helpful to do that, because then you can really focus on your body and what you're feeling, and learn just what it feels like as you approach the point where your ejaculation is inevitable.

Remember that the whole idea is to learn how your body feels as you get more and more aroused. Learning how it feels as you approach the point where it's inevitable you're going to ejaculate, and being aware as you approach this point during sex, means that you can do something to stop or halt the increasing arousal before you lose control! If you ejaculate, you didn't stop soon enough!

Begin each session with gentle touching and caressing. There are plenty of ideas in the yellow text box above about how to do this. You might ask your partner if she wants this to develop into sex play so she can come before you do the exercises themselves. If not, give her the chance to come afterwards - offer to masturbate her or give her oral sex so she can enjoy her orgasm too. This way you'll be making sure that both your sexual needs and her needs for affection and sex are satisfied at some point in each session.

And don't forget this can all be light-hearted and fun. Sex is always better if you can laugh about it and enjoy it in a relaxed way.

Lie down on your back next to your partner, both of you naked. She needs to be in a position where she is comfortable and she can masturbate you comfortably. Begin by having your partner gently touch and caress your whole body. She can caress and kiss any part of you with her hands, lips and tongue. Relax and enjoy the sensations.


Lie down on your back next to your partner, both of you naked and comfortable. Begin by having your partner gently touch, kiss and caress your whole body with her hands, lips and tongue. Relax and enjoy the sensations.
			Click any picture to enlarge it.
When you have a good erection, close your eyes, and ask her to begin masturbating your penis. If you need lubrication to make this comfortable use her saliva. No oral sex.

When you have a good erection, close your eyes, and ask her to begin masturbating your penis. If you need lubrication to make this comfortable, her saliva is best at this stage. Oral sex is not allowed, though!

You need to concentrate on your arousal - not just the pleasure you're feeling. If you concentrate on the pleasure, you're likely to get swept away in the rush to orgasm, and that's not the idea! The idea is to stop your partner masturbating you before you get to the point where you will have no choice but to come.


As she masturbates you, lie still. Don't let your mind wander off onto sexual thoughts or imagery - keep focusing on how aroused you are.

As you approach the point of no return you have to judge when to tell your partner to stop what she's doing.

Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you've gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it's under your control.

As she masturbates you, lie still. Don't let your mind wander off onto sexual thoughts or imagery - keep focusing on how aroused you are. As you approach the point of no return you have to judge when to tell your partner to stop what she's doing. Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you've gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it's under your control.

At the point where you tell her to stop, she will lie back and wait for your arousal to decrease.


Obviously if you begin to ejaculate you've gone too far! You need to feel your arousal rising, and tell your partner to stop while it's under your control.

However, if you begin to lose your erection, then your arousal has probably declined a bit too much.

You can feel this happening - as you relax, your desire to ejaculate and the feeling of needing to come will decrease. If you've been a premature ejaculator for a while, it may take some time - a few minutes - for your arousal to decrease to the level where she can touch your penis again without any danger of you coming. However, if you begin to lose your erection, then your arousal has probably declined a bit too much.

It's your responsibility to get this right, and you may have to practice a few times before you can judge it correctly. But once you feel your arousal has decreased to the appropriate level, tell her to start masturbating you again.

She needs to use minimum effort, with slow strokes, and as little lube as possible. Stay relaxed - muscle tension will increase your arousal. If you feel yourself tensing up, consciously relax your body. This may go against the habits of a lifetime if you've been used to getting off as quickly as possible. You just have to be disciplined. Be a man! The whole point of this is to give you better staying power, not to indulge your own selfish pleasure. So don't ejaculate! (But if you genuinely misjudge it, don't be hard on yourself. Just do it better next time.)

Go through this process 4 or 5 times before you continue to orgasm and ejaculation. As you let her take you over the top, try and focus on your internal experience so that you know the difference between how it feels to be in control and how it feels to know you are going for the pleasure of your orgasm.

Don't have intercourse, but do allow yourself the pleasure of orgasm each time you practice this complete sequence - say 2 or 3 times a week for 3 weeks. If your partner can't make it, do it on your own. And make sure she is sexually fulfilled with oral sex or masturbation.

The longer you practice, the better lover you'll be. So how much do you want to improve?

You might already be sensing that you have some control over the timing of when you come. By slowing down your partner as she masturbates you, or stopping her altogether, you may have discovered a new level of control over what previously seemed to be an unstoppable process.

The next step is to learn how to accept more stimulation without rushing towards your orgasm.

As before, gentle massage, caressing, stroking and touching are the first steps of the exercise. When you have a erection, your partner stimulates you more by using a lubricant (such as Probe, Astroglide, massage oil, possibly baby oil, though that is not as good for the skin, or even just large quantities of her own saliva) on your penis, and she can also give you oral sex as she masturbates you.


When you have a erection, your partner stimulates you more by using a lubricant (such as Probe, Astroglide, massage oil, possibly baby oil, though that is not as good for the skin, or even just large quantities of her own saliva) on your penis

She can also give you oral sex as she masturbates you.

Once again, it's your responsibility to keep track of where your arousal is going, and to stop her when you begin to feel you are approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability.

Once again, it's your responsibility to keep track of where your arousal is going, and to stop her when you begin to feel you are approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability.

Once again, lie still and don't tense your muscles. The lubrication, and the more intense stimulation it produces, will teach you a further level of control.

If you really feel yourself on the absolute edge of ejaculation, get up and walk around. This may stop the ejaculation and give you time to get your arousal level down. Wait a few minutes before you ask your partner to resume masturbating you.

Over the course of a week or two, you will learn to tolerate higher levels of arousal without coming. The aim of the exercise then becomes to keep yourself near the point where you would have to ejaculate, but without doing so. For example, if on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 meant that you were going to come, then you would aim to keep yourself at 7 or 8. As your partner masturbates you, focus on your arousal level, and when you get to 6 or 7, tell her to ease off or slow down, so you can keep your level of arousal high without ejaculating. If you suddenly lose it and ejaculate, well, just put it down to experience and try again next time!

After working on this with your partner - say 2 or 3 times a week for 4 weeks - you will find that you can more easily stay aroused without ejaculating. What's more, if you can stay aroused for 15 minutes or so before your partner brings you off, you'll find that the intensity of your orgasm is much greater and more intense when you do ejaculate!

You need to make this more gradual approach to ejaculation a habit pattern, which is best done by practicing 3 times a week. When you practice over and over, it will become the normal response in your body - just as your quick ejaculation is your normal response right now.

Next, you can enhance steps 1 and 2 by sliding your penis along the lips of her vulva without entering her. This must be fun and relaxed, so don't put pressure on yourselves and make it a strain. Just enjoy the whole thing. Start with the kissing, cuddling and caressing which by now will be familiar to you. Satisfy your partner if that's what you both want. Then, turn your attention to your penis!

You begin, as always, by lying on your back, with a good erection. Your partner will use lots of slippery lube and then climb over you as if you were going to make love in the "woman on top" position. Instead of you putting your penis in her vagina, though, she will slide your penis back and forth between the lips of her vulva. You don't move. Yes - that's right: no thrusting, no hip movements, nothing. You literally lie back and enjoy it. And you keep your eyes shut, and your hands off your partner, so that you can better concentrate on how you are feeling.

This will all be very exciting and no doubt you'll feel your arousal going up. But you're learning to keep your arousal under control, so you need to monitor how excited you are, stop her moving, and ask her to lift her vulva off your penis, when you feel you are approaching the moment of ejaculatory inevitability. Once again - be a man! Don't slip into the all-too-easy place where you think, "Oh, it's alright, just this once. I'll be able to get control back next time." That's not the point! Your self-discipline here is important to make the whole process work.

When she stops, rest for as long as necessary to reduce your arousal level to the point where she can safely get back on your penis and slide her vulva along it again. You don't really want to lose your erection, just to rest for long enough so that your arousal goes down somewhat and you don't ejaculate.

Repeat this whole stop-start sequence 5 or 6 times, then continue to orgasm. Enjoy it!

You're going to do this for three weeks, and with each week that passes, you can introduce more stimulation into the routine. So, in the second week, open your eyes and put your hands lightly on your partner's hips. This will add to your arousal, but by now you will have greater control, so you will still be able to stop your partner moving in time to prevent your ejaculation. If you want, as you approach the point of ejaculatory inevitability, close your eyes and take your hands off your partner. This may lower your arousal and help you concentrate on telling her when to stop.

In the third week, keep your eyes open and touch her body. Fantasize a bit if you want. At this point you are aiming to keep her sitting on you with your penis between her vulval lips when she stops moving. The idea now is for you to develop more sophisticated control, so that you can stop yourself ejaculating while you are still receiving some stimulation. At first this stimulation will be the warmth and wetness of your partner's vulva resting on your penis. But as you develop your self-control, you will find that you can control your arousal so well that you don't want to ejaculate even while she continues to move slowly and gently on you. But all the time, you need to keep your awareness of your arousal, and monitor where you are on the road to ejaculation.

The light at the end of the tunnel is in sight - vaginal intercourse. Prolonged vaginal intercourse at that (or longer, at least). Imagine it - not shooting your load the minute you enter her! OK, so what do you do?

Start, as always, with sexual caresses and gentle play. Satisfy your partner if she wants it - and at the point where you are ready to take the plunge, so to speak, lie on your back.

You're going to have sex with your partner on top while you lie on your back. You can put your penis at the entry to her vagina or just inside it, and see what that feels like. If you feel like coming, ease off or away until the sensation passes. Remember the idea is to maintain your level of arousal for as long as you choose without coming. Your partner must be wet so you can get into her easily. If she's not aroused enough, go back to some sex play that gets her lubricating freely.

When you're sure you're in control of your arousal, with your partner on top, put your penis inside her vagina and rest there without moving.


When you're sure you're in control of your arousal, with your partner on top, put your penis inside her vagina and rest there without moving.

Think about how it feels. If everything has gone well, you will be able to enjoy this most wonderful feeling without coming. If, by some mischance, you do ejaculate the minute you're in her, it isn't a disaster. Don't get uptight and apologize or mentally beat yourself up!! Just enjoy the ejaculation, let yourself go fully into it, and make the most of it. Then, when things have calmed down, go back in your exercises to the point where you last had good control. Don't despair! Just work through it again, perhaps taking more time over the exercises before you ejaculate.

If all goes well, and you are now in her and comfortably in control of your ejaculation, guide her up and down with your hands on her hips until you are comfortably aroused but not going to ejaculate. Keep it that way by adjusting the speed and depth of your partner's movements. Don't move yourself!


If all goes well, and you are now in her and comfortably in control of your ejaculation, guide her up and down with your hands on her hips until you are comfortably aroused but not going to ejaculate. Keep it that way by adjusting the speed and depth of your partner's movements. Don't move yourself!

Stop her moving and rest if you get too close to coming. You can even take your penis out of her vagina and rest if you feel this to be more helpful in developing your self-control. Resume when your arousal has decreased.


Stop her moving and rest if you get too close to coming. You can even take your penis out of her vagina and rest if you feel this to be more helpful in developing your self-control.

Resume when your arousal has decreased.

Your desire to ejaculate will decrease at this point, and when it has done so, guide her into resuming her movements, once again pausing when you get near the point of ejaculatory inevitability. It is important that during the first three repetitions of this sequence you do not thrust. And it is probably obvious to you that the longer you both go on practicing this before you ejaculate, the more control you are developing. However, on the fourth repetition, let yourself go, focus on how it feels and thrust until you ejaculate. Enjoy!

The crucial thing is that you try and focus on what you're feeling all the time, so that you know when you're about to ejaculate and can stop her moving before it happens.

If you find your arousal increasing too much you can also close your eyes so you don't see your partner's breasts. And instead of enjoying any fantasy you may be having, at this stage think of your taxes instead, if it helps slow you down in the move towards orgasm! And of course if you're really having problems of self-control, you can stop your partner moving altogether and wait, resting inside her, until your arousal decreases and you're back in control.

The last big step is for you to actually begin thrusting. Do this gently at first, so as to work out how aroused you get and how quickly you move towards orgasm. The essential point to remember is that you are in control: you can control the speed and depth of your thrusting to regulate your arousal .At some point you will find a balance between movement and arousal and you'll then be able to continue thrusting for as long as you want to without coming!


The last big step is for you to actually begin thrusting. Do this gently at first, so as to work out how aroused you get and how quickly you move towards orgasm. You can control the speed and depth of your thrusting to regulate your arousal. At some point you will find a balance between movement and arousal and you'll then be able to continue thrusting for as long as you want to without coming!

Positions that restrict a man's ability to thrust are best for ejaculatory control.

After three or four sessions of lovemaking using this process, you could repeat the exercise in the side by side position for three or four sessions of lovemaking - and then lastly do it with the man on top, missionary position. The whole sequence can be repeated as many times as you like until you're confident you can control your ejaculation - the point of the exercise being that you can get to a point where you can let go and come when you want. This may take from 2 to 10 weeks and sometimes a few months to get complete control.


Start with the woman on top position.

After three or four sessions of lovemaking using this process you could repeat the exercise in the side by side position for three or four sessions of lovemaking.

Tell her to stop moving when your arousal becomes too high.

Lastly do it with the man on top, missionary position.

And above all remember to ask your partner what she wants each time you have had an orgasm. She may be happy just to see you happy, or she may want clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Talking with each other about expectations and what feels pleasurable means you don't have to second guess your partner. Telling each other what you like, what you want, and how to do it, means you will get more sexual confidence in all ways - not just relying on the penis-in -a vagina routine for sexual pleasure. Be adventurous! Practicing frequently is the single most effective thing you can do to continue to develop more effective control over when you have an orgasm.

Remember, though, that sometimes you will just be too excited and you'll shoot quickly. When I started learning these techniques my girlfriend and I had the habit of starting our lovemaking by me bringing her off with oral sex. This got me so aroused I was desperately horny when I entered her after she'd had her orgasm. Needless to say, I lasted about two minutes! Now when we do the same thing, no matter how aroused I am after giving her oral sex, I can go on and on for as long as we choose - and she often has vaginal or G spot orgasms while I'm in her. This - as you can imagine - feels like a big change, and a great success!

So don't dwell on your failures - don't apologize unduly, and don't punish yourself for them. Steady forward progress is what matters. Laugh and joke with your partner about the process - sex is meant to be fun, not a trial!

One problem, of course, is boredom. The routine can be tedious, though this can be remedied simply by having a lovemaking session which is free of the exercises once a week. Another issue may be that your partner gets aroused and then frustrated if she doesn't get an orgasm. Fairly obviously, the answer here is that she can have an orgasm through masturbation or oral sex. Use a vibrator if necessary.

For these exercises to work, you need to think only of your own arousal, your sexual feelings and the sensations in your body. It's counter-productive if your female partner distracts you by complaining about her lack of an orgasm, or indeed anything else.

You need to be loving and respectful of each other and both committed to resolving your quick ejaculation. This will be easier and more likely if you're in a relationship where each of you takes pleasure from helping to resolve the other's challenges. I suppose that is stating the obvious, but still, there are many relationships where there is an underlying current of hostility or resentment which is not generally expressed, and which will find its expression in subverting exercises that need mutual co-operation.

If you have a problem with these exercises because of some more fundamental issue about putting yourself in the hands of a woman, or she has an issue with "being your sex servant" (or some such expression), then you have an issue which I can't help you with, and you may want to get counseling or therapy to address these more basic insecurities. But let's look on the bright side - some men enjoy being passive in sex for the first time, having been brought up to believe that a man must always initiate and lead.

In some cases, as the man gets better ejaculatory control, his female partner may experience profoundly negative reactions - these may include emotional conflicts or depression or anxiety - or she may sabotage the treatment, perhaps by expressing her boredom. This may be because the woman is insecure about her ability to keep her man, and she thinks his new-found sexual confidence may make him go off with another woman.

In some cases, a man's quick ejaculation conceals the fact that the woman can't orgasm very easily. If she was blaming this on her man for ejaculating quickly, she may well not want her own difficulties exposed in this way. Any shift in the balance of power in a relationship - sexual or otherwise - can expose all kinds of unspoken conflicts and tensions.

In research on PE, men who ejaculated after exactly the same time described their situation in very different ways. Whether it was two minutes, ten thrusts or whatever, some couples were happy, others thought it was a big problem. It's all in the eye of the beholder. What really matters is that your sex is fulfilling and it makes the two of you very happy and relaxed.

However, if PE causes stress or difficulty, as it may, then it can eventually lead to other challenges like impotence, performance anxiety, or loss of erection on intercourse. Fortunately the remedy for PE is not difficult - if you think about it, that must be true, because although all men ejaculate very rapidly when they have their first sexual experiences, they don't all carry on ejaculating so quickly for the rest of their lives - they are able to learn how to last longer. And with the remedy described in the methods above, the cure literally is in your own hands!

Many women do not mind quick ejaculation provided they are loved and supported and able to enjoy an orgasm in other ways. To them sex is about love, not technique (which is a very male oriented view, as you may agree: we all want to be the best in bed). So if your partner is loving and supportive, and tries to reassure you that it does not matter, accept what she says and stop focusing on your inner distress about being bad or incompetent in bed - instead focus on getting better at making love!

I mean, you have to keep practicing. Some men who stop practicing these techniques revert to their previous sexual habits - i.e. coming too quickly. So keep practicing! You only have to do it once in a while. By the way, it helps a lot if you and your partner have good communication and high levels of trust in each other. This way you don't have to take all the responsibility for sex and its progression through foreplay into intercourse. Taking that responsibility solely on yourself can be a route to performance anxiety - and for a man prone to premature ejaculation, anxiety tends to make things worse.

Many female partners think "he doesn't care about me", not necessarily because they really believe this but because they feel hurt, let down, offended or sexually frustrated when their man gets frustrated, angry or emotionally distant after he comes too quickly. The truth, of course, is that many men who ejaculate too quickly feel a lot of shame and anxiety. They then get separated from their sexual pleasure and become focused on lasting longer, and they believe they are failures because they don't have an everlasting penis of steel. Ask your partner whether these things matter to her and you may get a very different viewpoint.

Besides which, talking about these things will make them seem a lot better and reduce the pressure you feel very much.

This may be helpful in preventing ejaculation. Some couples prefer an active way of stopping ejaculation as the man approaches the point of no return, rather than just sitting back and relying on his skill in judging the right point to stop.

If you feel a man's perineum, the skin between anus and scrotum, there is a small dimple or dip in the skin approximately half way along (often nearer the scrotum than the anus). This spot represents the external point where you can press to inhibit ejaculation. This may often be very helpful for a man if he is desperate to stop himself coming. Press firmly, but not painfully, until the feeling of desire to ejaculate has passed.


If you feel a man's perineum, the skin between anus and scrotum, there is a small dimple or dip in the skin approximately half way along (often nearer the scrotum than the anus). This spot represents the external point where you can press to inhibit ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation - away to cure it at home, in privacy, without the help of a therapist!

Orgasm